How to Deal With Feedback
Feedback (whether solicited or un-) can be a CHALLENGE. How do we know what to listen to and what to reject?
Last night, on my way home from a long day of coaching and podcast interviews, I got on the Q train and absentmindedly pulled up facebook, only to discover a message from a friend of my parents.
“I was so very disappointed and saddened by your remarks on Facebook. Your parents must be embarrassed that their well educated daughter would make such a crude statement. They deserve so much more than that from you. It’s perfectly acceptable to differ in opinion on political matters but it needs to be done without lowering yourself to gutter talk.”
I was . . . a bit dumbfounded, to be honest.
I don’t really speak with this woman at all, although every once in a while her name comes up when I’m chatting with my mom. She’s been kind to me the few times we’ve interacted since I moved to NYC over 15 years ago. She’s a family friend, but we’ve never been close.
The post she was referring to (I confirmed to make sure) expressed shock and grief over Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing. In it, I wrote,
“So may I just say....::primal scream:: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”
Immediately, my thoughts swirled. Should I respond to this unsolicited feedback on my communication style? How? (Honestly, I just wanted to spend my evening watching some Netflix and enjoying the beef barbacoa I’d put in the crockpot 9 hours before.) I resented that she felt she had the right to “parent” me, and I absolutely resented the implication that my parents (to whom I am very close) were embarrassed or “deserved so much more” from me. I also wanted to be compassionate, since she is close to them. As satisfying as it may have been in the moment to go nuclear on her, it was going to hurt my parents more than it helped me.
So I wrote a hopefully diplomatic, thoughtful, but very firm response. In summary:
Lots of educated people curse for a variety of reasons, and don’t consider it “gutter talk.”
I consider language to be a gift and words as tools. Sometimes a curse word is the right tool for the moment—for instance, as a cry of grief and pain, as was the context for that particular use of the word fuck.
I’m two years shy of 40. (Subtext: This is wildly inappropriate to say to another adult, even if you knew them as a child.)
I’m close with my parents, and I trust that if I were truly hurting them they would communicate that and we could have a conversation.
Then I added, perhaps cheekily, an article about the health benefits of cursing and wished her well. (As of publishing this post, she has not responded.)
This morning, I couldn’t get the encounter out of my head. Our clients—and, let’s be honest, women in general—get a LOT of unsolicited feedback on their voices, bodies, presentation styles, and a disproportionate amount of “impression-based” feedback (as opposed to concrete feedback): whether or not they are “appropriate” or “likeable” or “intimidating” or “electable”, etc. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and moreover, everyone seems to feel the need/the right to express that opinion. We’ve been talking about how to process and handle that feedback with them since the beginning, but I felt it was time to get our ideas out into the world at large.
So—here are some necessary questions and a helpful framework for dealing with feedback of any kind:
WHO — What kind of relationship do I have with this person?
In the case of my mom’s friend, I was dealing with a tenuous tie: someone who knew me as a child, but who I’d seldom interacted with as an adult. She was also someone my parents cared for and had a long relationship with. Sometimes you’re dealing with a close relationship like a friend or partner; sometimes a formal relationship like a boss or a direct report. Sometimes you’re dealing with a rando on the internet. This is very important context for everything else we’re going to consider.
WHAT — How important is this issue? Is this what we’re REALLY talking about?
Do you suspect that the feedback you’re getting on one thing might really be about something completely different? Was the feedback about my cursing on Facebook really about me cursing, or was it more that this woman occupies a very different part of the political spectrum than I do? I suspect I know the answer to that question, but I could be wrong.
How important is this piece of advice? Would taking it or not taking it affect people in a meaningful way? Feedback like “I really don’t like your purple hair and think you should dye it a NATURAL color” is very different from “when you practice jujitsu in the hallways while people are walking by, someone might get randomly kicked—could you take it elsewhere?” Sure, it’s a silly example, but we can all spend a little time considering if our actions cause harm to others.
At the end of the day, my cursing isn’t causing genuine harm, although I do know that my dear parents don’t love my potty mouth (which is why I try not to curse when I’m talking to them).
WHY — Do I believe this person is acting in good faith? What’s their objective? What’s their incentive?
These are the trickiest questions of all, and the answers are not always clear. We have to rely on a bit of intuition here, AND we have to evaluate both our own state of mind (“am I being defensive/is this fear causing me to react this way?”) and make hopefully educated guesses about their state of mind (“are THEY being defensive or attacking?”) and intentions (“is this meant to be helpful or are they putting me in my place?”).
The closer the relationship, the more comfortable you may be extending the benefit of the compassionate assumption. It’s certainly possible for advice or feedback to come off badly even when well-intended. It’s even possible for bad faith advice to be accurate or helpful in the end.
With my parents’ friend, I could have assumed that she was putting me in my place or shaming me. I could also assume that she’s genuinely feeling protective of my parents. I could also acknowledge that it might be a bit of both—our intentions and objectives aren’t always clear, even to ourselves. I had the energy (and, for the sake of a family friend, the desire) to attempt some compassion for her. She was not truly harming me, which gave me the patience to craft a diplomatic response. That said, when someone’s feedback or advice causes you real harm, you can maintain boundaries to protect yourself. Especially within power structures, good faith should be on the giver of feedback to demonstrate (and if you are a regular giver of feedback, that part is worth a great deal of thought, intention, and practice).
HOW — What shall I do with/about this feedback?
Now that you’ve given this some thought, you have a framework for moving forward. Try plotting it out on our feedback matrix! The main continuums are Relationship/No Relationship, and Good Faith/Bad Faith (and they are continuums, not binaries), but don’t forget the consideration of “how important is this, really?” before you spend too much time and energy.
Dismissal
Particularly if you have no relationship with the feedback giver AND you are pretty sure that the advice is in bad faith, for goodness’ sake, DISMISS THAT CRAP. And while this may sound obvious, it’s not always easy. Especially for empathetic or high-achieving, self-critical people, all feedback has the power to affect us. Practice letting it go.
Examination
Maybe you need to really examine this situation before you act on or dismiss the feedback. Think deeply about where this advice might be coming from: is this feedback on my “likeability” because of our societal expectations that women be sweet and accommodating? Am I being told that I’m intimidating by someone who isn’t actually feeling intimidated—and if so, why? What does the giver get out of giving you this advice? A feeling of superiority or generosity? Is this feedback being given within a structure like a performance review (i.e., they have to say SOMETHING to you)? If there is a power dynamic at play here (for example, feedback from a boss), what are the stakes of me deciding to reject the feedback/advice either directly or indirectly? What can I do to mitigate blowback? How can I stay within my integrity and honor my core values?
Consideration
This is the lighter side of examination, for when the advice might be good or useful but it comes from someone you don’t have a relationship with, so the stakes are lower. What might you learn about yourself or the feedback giver? Is the advice worth experimenting with?
Openness
This is for when you have a real relationship with the giver AND you believe they are in good faith, and sometimes it’s the most vulnerable place to be.
Notice we said “openness”, NOT “acceptance.”
Even in this category, the advice or feedback may just be wrong! Sometimes feedback feels pokey or uncomfortable because it’s right and it threatens your comfort zone. Sometimes it feels pokey or uncomfortable because it’s WRONG, and you know that on a gut level. Learning to discern the difference between these types of discomfort is a lifelong journey. You will never get it 100% correct. We narrow our margin of error through self-knowledge and practice.